Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize