He is such a slut. More and more my type.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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