Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
