3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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