what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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