The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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