white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
