we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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