had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
