Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Too much gin, very little bucket
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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