Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
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I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
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It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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