I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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