My nipple is on Facebook.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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