I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
