so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
