I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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