hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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