You smell like a Billy Joel song
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
