Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
