My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
