So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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