And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
