the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
