Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He passed out mid-signature
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
