I puked a lego.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
