I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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