thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
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I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
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The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He did a backflip because drugs
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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