Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
