I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Drunk is not a location!
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
