he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
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YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
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My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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