My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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