When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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