Got a toothbrush?
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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