Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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