i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
