I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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