is your mom at the bar?
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
