Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
