Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
