Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
