The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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