I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
