Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize