New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
