If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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