he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
