she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
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Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
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When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Dear god my vagina.
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