You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
