she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
