I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
