if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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