I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
