I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
