It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
