Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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