I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
