What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
