The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
this will be a night to untag.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
