Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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