I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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