My balls are so social today.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
