this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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